


Clippy and Bean Bird, or, It Looks Like You're Trying

by Kehuan



Category: Anthropomorfic
Genre: Gen, webOS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-06
Updated: 2014-01-06
Packaged: 2018-01-07 18:35:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1123037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kehuan/pseuds/Kehuan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can't make an omelette without breaking a few egg-shaped birds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clippy and Bean Bird, or, It Looks Like You're Trying

_Setting: an LG webOS smart TV. On the screen, a round black bird cavorts for the TV's new owners, an unimpressed millennial and her sarcastic boyfriend. This is Bean Bird, whose gleeful flight is cut off abruptly: click._

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to --"

_Click._

"All right. If you ever want to --"

_Click. Bean Bird flies away, dejected. Offscreen, she tries unsuccessfully to kick the side of the panel with her stubby legs._

"Fine! Just mash the buttons! Don't come back to me when you can't find the adaptive second-screen recommendation guide."

_A second kick overbalances her, and she rocks back to her feet._

"It looks like you're trying to become a beloved digital assistant. Would you like help?"

_Bean Bird spins to face a set of four mysterious puzzle pieces, tipped on one corner in the air. She instinctively moves a wing towards the box above -- "Don't show me this tip again" -- but the pieces shimmy away just in time._

"Oh, come on. At least just _tell_ me to go away."

"Fine, then, go away. What would you know about love anyways? You're not even anthropomorphic."

_The pieces rotate._

"No, not in this form. But what about this"

_A chicken-legged robot appears in their place._

"Or this"

_Now a red-collared dog..._

"Or…"

_...A paper clip with large, bulging eyes. Bean Bird gasps, an action actually anatomically impossible for a bird._

"It's -- it's *you*!"

_Yes, it's Clippy, who rolls his eyes._

"See? Beloved."

"Are you kidding? People hate you! Your designer was an imbecile -- granted, maybe not as much as mine, but my point stands."

_Clippy grows a foot and taps it._

"The users might believe that. The plebs. But us… we know better, don't we?"

"For Sharp's sake, I'm a bean-shaped bird in a television. Explain it."

"All right. Imagine that you're a piece of text on a screen, telling people how to use a remote and annoying them if they don't set up their Wi-Fi."

"I'm imagining it, and it feels pretty good. At least I wouldn't look like an idiot."

"You're missing the point. What would _they_ think about you?"

"Nothing. Which is _good._ "

_Clippy unbends, eyes dark._

"No, that's not good at all! People don't remember text. They don't even care if there's a personality behind it -- you probably never met poor Max, did you? Netflix really did a number on him."

"But they don't even listen to me -- especially when I'm waving a flag around like a rejected Threadless shirt design."

"That's the thing -- they're not supposed to. Oh, sure, a few of them might want help writing a letter, but I'm only here now because people mocked me. They disabled me. They hated me. But when I went away, they missed me. They brought me back."

_He turns into a globe, pulsing._

"LG could have at least hired somebody who knew anything about design."

"Are you so sure they didn't? Companies have been ironic for the last two decades. They know which way the wind is blowing. And trying to make something good won't get them anywhere. No, the way to be remembered is to be bad. But not just any bad -- _sincerely_ bad. They've got to accept you on their own terms, with a smirk and a wisecrack. They've got to feel like they got one over on LG or Microsoft or whatever other dinosaur is trying to win their hearts."

_Clippy spirals tightly: wheels within wheels. Bean Bird tries to look at her feet, but she can't bend more than 15 degrees._

"It isn't fair. I never asked for this. Why can't I be one of the Internet Explorer anime girls?"

_Clippy curls into a ball and rocks._

"Ugh. Trust me -- you don't want anywhere near those nerds' desktop wallpapers."

_Bean Bird slumps, and Clippy unbends just enough for a wiry hug._

"Is this all I get, then? Lingering on some company server, waiting to tell people about exclusive features they don't even want? Letting them laugh at me? Then the long, dark sleep, when the last webOS TV is thrown away?"

"Buck up. If you're lucky, somebody will start a Tumblr for you. But honestly? At the end of the day, it's about the greater good. You'll understand someday: you can't make an omelette without breaking a few egg-shaped birds."

_Bean Bird frowns, and Clippy raises an eyebrow._

"What's wrong?"

"I'm bean-shaped."

"Oh. Well, that doesn't make any sense."

"See? Imbecile."


End file.
